Having fun with telephone spammers

It would be true to say that I have an odd sense of humour. About once a week I get a telephone call from (I presume, given the accent) an Indian call centre, which identifies itself as 'Click to fix' or 'Click and fix' or something similar. (Please note that there are reputable companies that use similar or exact names as that - they're not what I'm talking about.) They claim that they're calling 'from the computer company' and they have noticed that the computer is running slow, or sending out errors or other such nonsense. The idea is that they will get you to do a quick check on your own system, identify a perfectly normal file, which they then tell you is a virus. After which you have to go to their website and pay to download software to fix it. This of course actually installs a virus, and they also have your credit card details by this time. Quite a vile little outfit, but there is fun to be had with them. Today was no exception.

The phone rang, there was the usual delay that I've come to associate with these calls and then the person at the other end of the line asked if I was Mr Bradley. I asked who they were, and kept asking until they gave me the usual line. At this point the conversation starts properly:

Me: I have to tell you that my name is Inspector Smith of the Royal Metropolitan, and I'm currently at this address, investigating a murder.
Them: <Silence>
Me: We've been checking the telephone records for this number and you have been ringing them quite often over the last few weeks. I need to know why you are calling this number.
Them: We're a computer company, trying to fix a problem with the computer.
Me: You do realise that attempting to delete information off a computer owned by someone who has been murdered is an international offence, and you can be extradited to stand trial in the UK for obstructing justice?
Them: <Silence again>
Me: I need to speak to your supervisor. We have tracked your number and have your name. We need to know how you know the person who was murdered.
Them: <Er..er.. I'm very sorry to hear that>
Me: Yes, I image you are. If you do not pass me to your supervisor, you can be charged with obstruction of justice.
Them: Please wait.... <pause>
Them: Worried (different voice) H-hallo?
Me: Yes - I'm from the Royal Metropolitan. We need to know why you are trying to connect to the computer of someone who has been murdered - we suspect as part of a gangland drugs war. What is your association with the deceased.
Them: <panicked> Nothing! No! No, nothing! We were just ringing to fix his system.
Me: So you were not the person who murdered this contact?
Them: No! No sir! Nothing to do with me - I didn't do it!
Me: Ah HA! So you admit that you know there was a murder, you say that it wasn't you... who did commit it?
Them: I don't know! We were just ringing to help fix the computer.
Me: You mean delete the evidence of the drugs cartel don't you!
Them: No! We know nothing about any drugs, or any murder.
Me: Yes, the guilty always deny all knowledge. I have to tell you that we have your names and addresses and the contact details of your company. We will be asking the local law enforcement agency to arrest you on suspicion.
Them: No! No! No, no no!
Me: Yes! Yes! Yes, yes yes! Admit it, you're a cold blooded killer arn't you.
Them: <click> brrrrrrrr.

Not exactly word for word, but close enough I think. Next time they call I think I might try and involve them in a Satanist ritual. Much fun to be had, I think.

Comments

[wille]

haha, nice one! :)

[Jennie]

I love it! I wish I was any good with phone conversations like that!

[Jo]

This is extremely funny! My husband complains that I like to "play" with telemarketers, but this is way more fun than I've had --- I just might have to try something like this on the next one! :)

[Phillip]

That is excellent! Fortunately, we don't get bothered by that sort of thing, but I hope I'm on the ball like you are if it does happen. It was one of the first things I read this morning - great way to start the day.

[woodsiegirl]

*applause* Phil, you are my hero!

[Stuart Benjamin]

Priceless. Well done Phil.

A friend of mine once answered the door to Mormons. He covered himself in a white sheet and said "I'm terribly sorry, I'm very busy, you'll have to come back after the ceremony"

[Jean]

Oh I love this! I am going to use the idea in future when I get such calls!

[Claire]

Wonderful!

[Jack]

Phil, I enjoy your blog but was sad to read this and the approving comments that came with it. I know that these calls are a pain, but I was left feeling sorry for the people working the phones in what I guess to be a difficult environment - perhaps vile for them too? So just to add a different voice to the comments.

[Phil Bradley]

Jack - thanks for your counterpoint, which I appreciate. Let me be quite clear - when I get calls from people selling double glazing etc (even though I use the Telephone Preference Service) I'm polite, say 'no thanks' and put the phone down.

These people are rather different. Having talked to them quite often now I'm absolutely 100% certain they know exactly what they're doing; they're certainly technically skilled enough to know that they are identifying important files that the pc needs in order to run as viruses. They are attempting to frighten people into purchasing and installing their own virus software. They may or may not be aware that the credit cards are then cloned. These are NOT poor individuals trapped in crappy jobs - they are deliberate con artists (which is why I use the term spammers) trying to get money out of people who don't know how computers work. I'm sure that you don't have sympathy for people who get money out of people via the lottery/bank detail scams - these are NO different.

[Lin armstrong]

Funny!:)